You know, I have always wondered how this decision process worked.
“I just feel too healthy, smell too nice and have too soft of skin, its about time I fixed that, I’m gonna start smoking!”
“I’m not a big enough asshole just yet nor am I inconsiderate enough to others so I am gonna start smoking!”
“I look way too classy and pretty in my dress and heels, I need to do something to look trashy, guess I’ll start smoking!”
Yes I am aware its hard to stop but its also hard to stop shitting in your diapers when you are 2 as well, but you do it, why, because you don’t want to be a disgusting asshole. Yes shitting in your pants and smoking are at equal levels of grossness.
Women, have you ever watched yourself smoke..?.. Have you ever seen yourself all dressed up and pretty smoking..?.. You should watch in the mirror. Your cheeks all sucked in with a big cigarette hanging out of your mouth, you look like those women with sequin hats and elastic band silk pants on the penny slots.
You do realize that over time things stop being cool and lose appeal right..?.. Yes in 7th grade the person with the stolen pack of Marlboro Reds was absolutely the coolest person in school. But also so was the person who was the best at pencil break but you don’t see people playing pencil break at a bar do you..?.. Its not cool anymore, its disgusting, you look like a tramp and smell like old bags of charcoal.
How about when you are at dinner and the smoker is so god damn ready to smoke they take the cigarette and lighter out at the table! They are so ready to taste the trashy goodness they want to speed the process us by 7 whole seconds by getting the lighter and cigarette ready. So they are sitting at a nice dinner holding a cigarette and you know they aren’t listening to anything you are saying, all they are thinking about is the cigarette, do you not see the control that has over your life you weakling..?..
Or how about when you park 17 feet from the front door of the restaurant, they actually light one up when they get out of the car for the entire 4 second walk! Where are the pack of white wolves when I need them, because I want them to attack you and eat everything except your brain so you can feel it all happening!
They get out of the truck, light a cigarette and then they do the desperation smoking, which is speeding up the rate of their inhales and exhales the closer they get to the door. They are literally inhaling and exhaling faster than I thought possible trying to soak up as much smoke as possible before they walk into the front door and then what do they do to top it off..?.. They stand at the front door, take one more huge drag, walk into the restaurant and blow the smoke out as they are walking in!
Every place of business needs to have a registered US Indian standing right inside the door, if anyone exhales as they walk in the door, Pocahontas needs to gut them and let everyone in the restaurant watch as an example. Their barely alive body should be drug off site by a wild horse and it should be completely legal and encouraged. Plus it would give Indians more jobs since they all just lay around and drink Old Milwaukee right now anyway. It’s a win/win situation.
Also I want to personally thank everyone who decides to smoke for me smelling like a mix between campfire and asshole when I get home at night. I don’t know why I even shower or wear cologne because in 11 minutes everyone is going to smell like the inside of my grandmothers trailer park.
If I rubbed dog shit all over myself and everyone in a bar everyone would freak out and throw me out, so why can you cover yourself and everyone else that doesn’t ask for it in the worst smelling substance on earth and its ok..?..
Luke
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