I get to talk about two of my favorite words in one blog. Its like Christmas when I was 7, but maybe more exciting.
If you remove religion from monogamy, which you should always remove religion if you ever plan on seeing anything clearly, then monogamy is created to protect our insecurities. Its a taught behavior(not inherent behavior) to ensure that our insecurities are never exposed, leaving them buried as deep as possible.
I will use my bridge analogy to explain. Without the torn up napkins at dinner its going to be tough though. Also if anyone steals my analogy and makes a million dollars off it, good for you, it should be written in history next to Socrates.
Lets say a bridge is the foundation of your security. The potholes in the bridge are your insecurities. Your driving patterns are your behavior. Still following me? if not just sign out, this is all going to go over your head.
If you are driving on the bridge and see a pothole, you are going to drive around it, adapting/changing/learning your behavior to make sure you don’t hit the pothole. The pothole is rough, makes your ride bumpy, slows you down, much easier just to drive around it and stay on the smooth pavement.
As humans we do this with insecurity, we build behavior to dodge the insecurities. We know the path we would like to take but it might be bumpy so instead we change our path.
This doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, well that is until your bridge starts filling up with pot holes. Before you know you have forgotten what behavior is actually best for you, because you are so busy trying to dodge sensitive potholes that you have become completely lost. Eventually the foundation of your bridge has so many pot holes that it crashes down on top of you.
Behavior that is adapted around insecurities instead of what is right and fair will always fail, it is not a sustainable model. If you dont believe me ask the 3 million people that were divorced last year and let me know their answer, dont worry I’ll wait.
I had someone very special to me this weekend who I am in a poly-amorous relationship with tell me this: “Luke I only feel insecure when i am with you, when I am with John I feel completely confident that i am enough for him, mentally, physically and sexually.”
The reason for this is simple. That’s because John adapts his behavior around your insecurities, he steers his car avoiding every single pothole. John isn’t doing what he wants to do or what he feels is right, he is doing what he knows will not upset you.
When you ask him if he would like to have sex with her at the bar, he replies with “no honey, of course not”. He is lying, he almost flipped his minivan over trying to avoid that pothole. Knowing if he said yes like he wanted to, he would hurt your feelings and make you feel “not enough”.
If you ask me that question I will tell you, actually I already did, yesterday, she does this thing with her mouth that should be a public service announcement for all women to follow.
Then we discuss why I did, why I would want to do that even though I love you, why you feel like you aren’t enough. I drive my Ferrari straight into the pot hole and we are going to stay right here until we figure out the source of the insecurity and have it repaired.
Imagine what it would feel like to drive on your bridge and never have to watch for pot holes? Imagine the stress that would disappear. Imagine the honesty that could be present. Imagine the weight lifted off your shoulders.
Imagine how good John would feel to be honest with you and stop having to adapt adapt adapt.
Which brings us to monogamy, it is TAUGHT behavior to dodge insecurities.
I remember the first time I saw someone I love have sex with another man. Immediately had a pit in my stomach and a spark of anger. So instead of acting like a gorilla without a brain and acting out of reaction I analyzed why I felt that way. Imagine that, thinking before you react. Crazy right?
“Thats my girl, get your hands off!”
Wait. I dont own her. She has her own brain and own ability to say no.
“I dont like seeing someone else give her pleasure, thats special and im the only one that can do that!”
Wait. Says who? I am thrilled when she gets a massage that feels good, when she gets a raise at work that feels good, when someone does something nice for her, I am totally ok with her receiving pleasure from another source besides myself unless its sexual pleasure.
Why do I feel that way? Why do I have such strong feelings of that being sacred? Oh wait, its been ingrained in my head since i was 3 minutes old. I have been taught that sexual pleasure is an exclusive arrangement and to get angry if that is broken. But why?
“Because if he can make her toes curls and scream out all 12 of the apostles names while cumming at the top of her lungs then what good am I? I can be replaced…”
Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner.
Fear. Insecurity. I dont want to lose her and if that guy can do that to her then now she see’s Im not the only one and can easily leave me! I must prevent her from seeing any other options on earth, this will force her to stay in my arms!
Two things come from that.
1. So you are basically forcing her to choose you by blinding her vision to the rest of her options. Sounds sexy and special, very notebookish. If you feel like you can offer her what she needs/wants and she has chosen you out of every man alive, then what are you so afraid of?
2. Here is where it really gets tricky. Lets just say she discovers someone that makes her more happy than you, why would you want to keep her from that? Isnt that a bit selfish? I am going to keep you from having what is perfect for you so I can keep you trapped her. Really? Why would you ever stand in the way of what your partner wants? That only leads to resentment and force, two words that I’m not a huge fan of, but I cant speak for everyone.
Have a good day,
Luke
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