1.Remember, from the time you start talking, I only have about two minutes remaining to locate another song, load it, sync it, and play it before the song currently playing comes to an end. In other words, make it quick, or the music will stop.

2.Have a request already in mind. Please refrain from saying any of the following:
a. What songs do you have?

I have 7500. Would you like me to start alphabetically?

b. Can you play something I can dance to?

I have no idea what you can or can’t dance to. Every song I play is a dance song to someone. If it’s not for you, then request a specific song, not just an idea.

c. Do you have that one song by that one guy?

Does this even need to be addressed? The answer will always be yes. Please be specific.
3.  If you request a song, and I inform you that I don’t have it, asking me again won’t all of the sudden make it appear in my library. For instance: “Do you have that new 50 Cent?” “No” “You don’t have any 50 Cent?” “Yes, wow, 50 Cent magically appeared! Thank you! I’ll play it next!” If I tell you I don’t have a song, I pinky swear that I don’t have it. Please move on, as we are now wasting time.  See rule 1.

4. If you request a song that I have, be patient. There is a good chance that you are about the 20^th request that I have already received.  Furthermore, don’t inform me that I need to play a song next because you and your friends are about to leave.  This will not take precedence in my importance. Besides, why would I want to accommodate someone who is about to leave the party? Doesn’t make sense.

5. I will only play each song once per night. I quit listening to the same song over and over in 3^rd grade. You should too.  If you request a song that I have already played, I won’t play it again just because you got here late, your girl wants to hear it, or you think it will ‘get the party hoppin’.

6. Don’t complain about a song I am playing. Telling me that ‘this song sucks’ has no emotional bearing on me whatsoever. There is a huge chance that I did not write nor produce the song, so your criticism will be ineffective.  If you are unhappy with a song that is playing, suggest a new song. Bring an idea or request along with your complaint. Otherwise, you are nothing more than a complainer, and will be ignored as such. When bringing a new request, refrain from saying, ‘anything but this.’  Again, this term is very loose, and could be interpreted as many things. First and foremost…..you’re an idiot!

7. Do not take it personal if I do not play your request. It is not as if I raped your grandmother. You are at a bar. Just enjoy the fact that you are out, drinking, dancing, and hearing music. If you left your house tonight knowing that you wouldn’t have fun all evening long unless you heard one specific song, then you are a very sad person.

8. Remember, I am currently at work.  This is my office.  You don’t like it when people come to your work and complain that their happy meal wasn’t cooked properly, do you?  Please don’t complain at me either. It just encourages me to pic up the microphone and humiliate you in front of 200 people.

9. When I say it’s the last song of the evening. This translates in English as ‘this is the last song of the evening.” It doesn’t mean I will play one more because ‘we are dawgs’!  It means management doesn’t want anymore songs to be played. They are the ones who write my check. Not you. I cannot come to your job and demand that you do things against your manager’s wishes. If you work at the Gap, and I say “Hey, dawg, gimme this shirt for free.” “I can’t, my manager is right over there!” “Man, you can give me one shirt. It’s just one shirt!” Does that make sense? No.  If you can’t grasp this concept, I suggest you listen to the song called, ‘quit being a little bitch just because I didn’t play one last song at the end of the fucking night and grow up, you fucking sissy.’ It’s a new song by Barry Manilow, I think.  Enjoy.

10. Tips speak louder than words…

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Insatiable rachel. The horniest chick to ever live.

Just as a warning to any girl that ever plans on meeting me. Here are a few things I wouldnt recommend saying.

1. I will never be with a girl sexually.
2. I will never fuck your best friend.
3. I will never take my top off or be naked anywhere but in private with you.
4. I will never be comfortable having sex in front of other people.
5. I will never be comfortable with you having sex with anyone but me.

Because most likely all of those will happen. Not because anyone has an agenda, but because once you remove the pressures of image/acceptance and what society says you are “supposed to be”, these are things that just come naturally. Once you remove the stigma that society puts on sex, monogamy, nudity, judgment, the pressure, the microscope, once you are encouraged to be yourself and act on your desires with no fear of consequence then these are things you feel free to do.

Rachel contacted me 2 years ago asking me advice about her man trouble, love life, sex life, etc.

Over the period of 6 months or so we built a pretty close relationship over the phone, she would call me at 5am eating whataburger to tell me about some dickhead treating her like shit, how the guy she is fucking cant keep up with her sexually, how she is tired of the same ole bullshit every weekend. So, I decide to invite her to hang out with me one weekend. She’s nervous and immediately says the 5 things you should never say(listed above). Says she doesnt want to get sucked into a swinger underworld, blah blah blah.

Do I look like I have on a black mask and force people into a sexual web against their will with a cat of 9 tails? You know, we can just hang out and eat fish tacos, we dont have to do anything, there is no pressure and its a little pretentious to assume that I even want to! Even though I did, bad.

She was hot as fuck and would always tell me dirty fantasies she had that no guy would do to her, tell me how no guy will fuck her hard enough or fuck her the way she wants to be fucked. Things all changed from friendly talk of sex to I want my dick to set up camp inside you all weekend the night she told me she doesnt masturbate and had never had phone sex.

I told her exactly what I would do if I was there, what she should do to herself and I noticed the dirtier I talked the louder she breathed, I talked her through making herself cum at 6am, after that rachel officially became insatiable rachel. That bitch couldnt stop making herself cum, she’d call me at all hours of the day and night, lunch, breakfast, dinner, even after church squeeling like a baby pig into the phone.

About a week of that shit and I decide Im heading to dallas. Its on. Walking on monday will not be an option, go ahead and take the day off.

She gets off work at 10 heads to my friends hours, we’ll call him Jack. We hug, make introductions, all talk for a little while then go out for the night. There was so much build up and anticipation for this meeting that it almost made things a little awkward, she mixed with the group well, we didnt really touch much but it was time to break the ice. She was sitting in a chair at our table, i grabbed the bottom of the chair, slid it and her between my legs and kissed her, 30 seconds of that and we both said, lets leave, RIGHT NOW.

Straight to the extra bedroom, before we start she wants me to make her squirt, swears she cant do it, 20 seconds later we have to flip over the mattress, bitch! you cant do it?!?! jack’s house looked like the final scene in Titanic when the hall ways are filling up with water, at one point i actually was scared for our safety, if we would have been handcuffed to that metal pipe from the movie we would have both died.

We start fucking at 12am. She cums in 1 minute. Doesnt check up. She cums again in 5 minutes. Doesnt check up, keeps telling me to fuck her harder. Cums agains. Again. Again. Again. We are in the god damn twilight zone(by the way, im not doing anything special, it could have been an inanimate object with the same result). A normal orgasm has a climb, a climax, a cooling off period, then a gradual climb again, a climax, a cooling off, after a few then the ups and down it stops. When god was making Rachel’s vagina he completely forgot about that stopping part, every single time is just like the first time.

I have never seen anything like it! She was cumming every 3 minutes on the dot and never slowing down. We had been at it for over an hour, im sweating like a queer eating a corn dog, my skin is redder than the devils dick, my cock looks like i stuck it in the tiger cage at the zoo. she is looking at me like, “what the fuck are you stopping for? i want more!”.

Baby doll. I cant go anymore. The meat is actually exposed on my dick and the muscles in my back are more knotted up more than bob barkers trying to spin that wheel after 56 years. So we walk down stairs, both of us butt ass naked, into the kitchen where 8 people are standing eating tacos from Zen, drink some water, i have regained energy, we go back upstairs, 2 minutes after my dick is in here she is cumming again, this breaks every law of physics possible. We fuck for another hour, at this point I’m officially done, i’m fucked out. We go downstairs, jack is by himself on the couch butt ass naked, we sit next to him, she tells us both she is still horny and is ready for me to recover, so I suggest why wait on me, just fuck jack.

She stared at me with a look of confusion that I’ll never forget. But wait, he’s your best friend and im here with you, i dont think thats right, what are you talking about, plus he’s married. Ok, i’ll tell you what, i’ll leave you two alone and go fix you a glass of water, when i get back we can talk about it.

I come back with a glass of water, jack has the look of save me before this crazy bitch kills me, she has the look of determination, the look that eagle scouts would kill for, she is riding him like its the last 3 seconds of the kentucky derby, cumming every 3 minutes on the dot. NASA reset their atomic space clock to contractions of her vagina.

They fuck for an hour, the couch looks like a someone emptied 9 claw foot tubs on it. He cant go anymore, she stands up and what does she say? Im worn out? im tired? lets take a nape? NOPE, how about, I’m not ready to stop… BITCH! your vagina is made of a mixture of kevlar, diamonds and carbon steel, how is this possible? By this time I’m rested so its off to the races, we fuck for an hour, the room is spinning, im pretty sure i saw two dark angels put their hands on my shoulder at one point, i feel death, i see my great grandparents ghosts in the windows.

She gets off me and gets back on him! The look of amazement on our faces is priceless, its 5am by now, we have been going at it for 5 hours, she never stops squirting, never stops cumming, never stops wanting more. This went on until 8am, me and jack pass out in a 2 foot tall mountain of condoms. Does she go to sleep? Hell no she doesnt, she starts cleaning the house, doing dishes, folding clothes. This is the perfect woman, she was created in a lab where the scientists were OCD porn stars!

I wake up about 11, I’m in a hurry to get back to Monroe, so I pack up, she walks me to my truck, as she is hugging me she hands me another rubber and asks if we can one more time! She defined the word insatiable, she never stopped wanting it, no wonder she had all those guy troubles, no man can keep up with her! fuck that, not even a machine can, johnny 5 from short circuit would even stop saying johnny five alive! for her!

We are still friends to this day and NOTHING has changed. I have never in my entire life met any woman who requires NO warm up, just the mention of sex or touch and she is running wet and has a one track mind. She could be at her mothers, fathers, brothers, dogs and best friends funeral crying on her knees and hear the sound of a condom wrapper 9 miles away and immediately start fucking herself with the coffin hand rails.

If you think you are a horny bitch I assure you rachel would eat you in her cheerios and not even be able to tell you were there. Plus, on top of that she is funny, smart, has a body that makes me want to cry as a grown man and she loves to clean. I would marry her but I’d prefer not to live the rest of my life with dick looking like a bloody pulp.

Luke

www.facebook.com/lukesblogs

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