10 ways to not be a freeloader

1. If you are invited to a party, unless it is plainly stated not to bring something, bring more than you can drink. Parties are expensive, be generous and grateful for them hosting it. If you are going to drink 9 beers, bring 24. Its only about 10 dollars more than a 12 pack but it will make a priceless statement about the kind of person you are. If you bring just enough for you, you won’t be talked about when you leave but who wants to be “just enough”?

2. If you go to dinner with a group and the check comes don’t forget tax, tip and some extra. If the bill comes, someone pays for it all with their card and your steak was 24 dollars, giving even 30 dollars might seem like enough(or might even seem generous), but its not. 24 + 2.50 tax, 26.50 + 20% tip = $31.80, don’t forget you also ate some the cheese sticks, some of the nachos and took a southwestern egg roll, who do you think paid for that dickhead? Put an extra $5 in the pot to cover that, nothing in life is free so stop acting like it.

3. Going out. Its expensive, quit trying to make it cheap. Its like trying to find a Ferrari for $379 a month, its not going to happen. Shots are 8 dollars a piece, if we do 8 of them that’s 64 dollars plus tip, so 76 bucks. Ok, so now we are 5 minutes into a 6 hour night. We are drinking double crown and sprites, 16 dollars each, the girls are drinking cosmo’s 12 dollars each. Its going to be expensive, if you aren’t ok with that then don’t go out, it’s a simple concept. The worst thing you can do is do something that costs money when you don’t have any extra.

4. Bottle service at a club. I am thinking that maybe some people don’t understand how it works. Let me explain then you can no longer say “dude I didn’t know”. Its 300 dollars to reserve a booth and that comes with one bottle of grey goose(minimum 300). One person puts down their card, that 300 dollars gets put on their card and then anything ordered for the table after that is put on the card, plus tip. If there are 8 people there, the table will be 700 dollars after all the extras are ordered(minimum). Give whoever put their card down 100 dollars and don’t try to do the math and see if you were cheated or not. If you don’t have 100 dollars to spare, don’t go to bottle service booth night. It’s a simple mother fucking concept.

5. If you are on a date and you get the bill, don’t study it, put your card in and hand it back to the waiter. Do you think reviewing it is going to make dinner any cheaper, what are you looking for? Also you are taking attention away from your date to look for some unknown hidden charge on your bill. What? You cant believe dinner for two was 130 dollars? There must be a mistake? You should call the manager over and talk with him about it. While you are doing that, I am going to put my hand up your date’s skirt because you definitely aren’t going to.

6. Gas. Its expensive and as far as I know most trucks and cars run on it. I drive an 8,000 pound Avalanche. It costs 12 dollars to start it and 4 dollars a minute to run the radio. If we go on just a 2 hour trip my truck will use 22 gallons of gas to get there and back. At 4 dollars a gallon that’s about 100 bucks. Getting in a vehicle for a trip that you will enjoy requires a gas offering. Some might say “Well it doesn’t cost any more money with me sitting in the car”. You are right, but you are also a douche bag as of right now. Be nice, be generous, be considerate, help with the cost since you are enjoying it too, seriously why is that so hard to grasp?

7. Just because I make more money than you doesn’t mean I have to pay for more shit than you. Its not my fault you are 26 and work at the hardware store selling nails, your inability to maintain a good paying job is not my fault. So when the bill comes, we split it, 50/50 even if the bill is 87 percent of your net worth. I have been dealing with that concept since I was 16 and I am a little tired of it. If I take the bill and don’t give you the chance to split it, that’s an entirely different story.

8. If two of you go into a gas station, whoever gets to the register first needs to say “just put your shit up here too”. Worst case its ding dongs, a pack of gum and a coke, that adds a whopping 2.40 to your bill but gets us out of the gas station twice a quick.

9. If you bring liquor or beer to a party and don’t drink it all, leave it there. The rest is a gift for whoever held the party. Also, if you drink liquor at a party and just bring beer, remember the quote for the day, nothing in life is free, so someone paid for the liquor you are drinking. Either go to the store and get liquor or give someone some money.

10. If you borrow money from someone do not make them call you and ask for it back. That’s YOUR responsibility, you call them, you tell them when you are going to have it, you drive to their house and you pay them back. In the interim period if you spend money on luxuries when you owe someone money then you really need to examine yourself. When you owe someone money you don’t get to have fun until the money is paid back, why on earth is that so hard to grasp? Also, just because you cant pay it all back at once doesn’t mean you have to wait until you magically come across ALL the money to pay it back. If you owe someone 200 dollars, swing by and bring them 40 bucks a week until its paid off. Show the person that you appreciate their generosity and at least show them you are making some kind of effort to pay it back.

You know I think a lot of this comes down to people not having a lot of extra money so therefore they have to be tight with it when it comes to these circumstances. What I cant seem to grasp is, if extra money is tight why are you engaging in activities of luxury? I hear people say constantly, I am broke, funds are really low, money is tight this week. If that is the case why are you at a restaurant? Because you don’t want to miss out on fun? Guess what, when you don’t have extra money you have to miss out on fun, its called being a responsible adult. If you are having expensive fun without paying your fair share you are being a freeloader and even if you don’t realize it, everyone notices.

Luke

Popularity: 33% [?]

Here are the top 9 reasons that its YOUR fault the relationship didnt work.

Reason 1: You aren’t cool enough.
Guys love cool girls, its probably our favorite characteristic for a girl we want to keep around longer than 2 hours. The problem is, finding one is just as rare as finding a talking blue unicorn. Sure some girls are tolerable, but a colonoscopy is tolerable, we want enjoyable.

A girl that wants to watch football with us is NOT necessary, we are perfectly ok with you being left out of that, but if you do watch and actually watch and care to learn, then that’s an example of cool. If you watch and ask stupid ass questions, talk about anything during the game that isn’t related to football, get up and leave for an hour and come back and ask “what happened while I was gone?” then you are not cool.

Girls, if you are stuck in a situation that isn’t optimal but one you chose to be in with your man, don’t complain, make the best of it. Making the best of it = cool, cool = you get to stay around. If you say “sure I will go to the sporting goods store with you”, then we get there and you bitch about how you are ready to leave, we will leave early just for you, so I can drop your whiney ass off at your house. You are not cool.

If we are all out, its late, you are tired, I am having a blast. If you make sure everyone knows that you don’t want to be there or make a big deal about how we have to go home, then you are not cool. You are tolerable. Guys fuck tolerable girls, we don’t date them long term.

Reason 2: Rush rush rush rush rush to claim him as yours

Question: “Do you think he is seeing anyone else?”

Answer: “Well I hope so, he is a single guy with a lot to offer, of course he is seeing other women. You have known him two weeks, so in two weeks you want him to shut off communication with all other women and be just yours? You just turned into every girl ever, welcome to the club.”

First off, you don’t even know him, how can you be so confident you even want him to be all yours?

Why, because he makes you smile and your belly all tingly when he looks at you? So does a twin pack of twinkies and root beer out of a glass bottle, but you don’t see me trying to marry it. The point is, you aren’t even sure if he is someone you want to be with, so why force him to commit until you know yourself?

Plus, you don’t own him, its none of your business who he is seeing or not seeing, if you try to make it your business you will be put into a crazy category very quickly. That doesn’t mean he wont still call you, because crazy girl sex is great, but he isn’t going to date you.

If he wasn’t dating anyone at all you would think “I wonder whats wrong with him, why isn’t he seeing anyone”, if he is dating multiple girls then you would think “He’s a player”. So he is fucked either way anyway, just chill and see what happens.

You need to worry about 1 thing, that’s YOU. You worry about yourself, be yourself and if he is attracted to that and wants to pursue then he will start weeding out the other women, but expecting him to drop them after a few dates is ice pick/fatal attraction crazy.

Reason 3: You aren’t hot enough.

Every man has thought this at some point in his life:

“You mean, I am going to have to be with the same woman for the rest of my life?”

It’s a scary realization, its like buying a car and knowing that you can never trade it in when it gets old or doesn’t run as good as it did when you first bought it. So, if you are standing at the lot and there is a red Ferrari and a 91 Honda Accord with the paint chipped off and a bumper sticker that says “bitch on board”, which do you think we are going to pick? Even a Ferrari will still look good in 25 years… Also, if you don’t take care of yourself now and put much emphasis on physical appearance then I doubt in 5 years after you “have us” that you are going to wake up one day and start.

Unfortunately its true, for men, you being hot plays into our minds way more than even we want it to. Guys, we have all met girls that we enjoyed spending time with, made us laugh/smile but just isn’t hot enough to pursue. We have all said this before “man, the new girl is cool as hell, she just isn’t hot enough to stay with long term.”

I have known girls who were so much fun to spend time with but got passed by when they were handing out hot as a kid, so I choose less populated places that I knew I wouldn’t know a bunch of people when taking her out. (You want to hear the truth right?)

Shitty? Yes.
Reality? Yes.

Men are visual, its how are brains are wired, embrace it and succeed or fight for what’s “right” and stay single.

Reason 4: You can’t openly communicate.

You clam up when its time to discuss important issues.
You sweep things under the rug.
You can’t successfully communicate your thoughts into words so we can know what’s going on in that head of yours.
You don’t tell us when we do things that piss you off.
You don’t tell us when we do things that you like.
You are mad about something and don’t tell us what or why.
All of these things lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

Perfect example:
We have been dating 3 months, I fish every Saturday morning from 6am to 2pm, you have tap dance class every Saturday morning from 10 to 12. I am thinking it’s a perfect situation, you get to do what you want, I get to do what I want. However you are secretly wishing that every once in a while I would come to your class and watch you or be more involved since its your passion. One day you snap and go off about how I don’t care about your hobbies and you wish that just once I would come watch and pretend to care. The entire time I am thinking we are operating in an optimal situation, and you are becoming more and more upset every Saturday that I don’t show up. 50 years of that? I’d rather be tied to the back of a train and drug 100 miles through piles of infected hypodermic needles.

I have a CRAZY idea, how about you just tell me that’s something you would like for me to do and I will do it. Complex I know.

Oh wait, then I will hear “I shouldn’t have to ask you, you should just want to be interested and show me.” Keep thinking that way, while you are at it go ahead and buy the tshirt now “Always a brides maid, never a bride.”

Stop fighting what works because of principle or some grand idea of how life, men and relationships should be in your head, do what works instead. What works is, tell us what you want and what you are thinking. If you expect us to read your mind then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Reason 5: You don’t bring enough to the table.

“When I am with him, I feel so alive.”
“He balances me out and brings stability to my life.”
“He makes me feel so desirable in and out of the bedroom.”
“He has such a good stable family.”
“He is a man, makes me feel safe when I am with him.”
“He is honest, I know he wouldn’t lie to me.”
“He gives me space, isn’t clingy.”
“He can dress up and go to a nice function with me, but he can also get dirty hunting and be happy, he is so balanced.”
“He has such a good job, good money, great benefits and stable, he is very ambitious.”

All great reasons to be with someone, sounds like he is a great catch, but on the flip side what do you bring?

- That’s great that I bring stability to your life, but you bring instability.
- That’s great that I make you feel desirable in and out of the bedroom, but what do you offer in the desire department? How do you make me feel desirable? By having sex with me? That doesn’t make me feel desirable.
- That’s great that I have a stable family and yes Christmas’s at the Parrish’s house will be great, like Norman Rockwell. However, your parents are divorced, you and your dad’s new wife hate each other, you and your mom fight all the time because she thinks you are irresponsible, your brother is a drunk, your sister will bring some guy named Vick with a gold chain around his neck to Thanksgiving and your mom will leave crying, your grandmother will tell you that you need to lose weight, you will cry and I will be in the middle of it.
- That’s great for you that I don’t lie to you and you can always trust me, but for some reason you have trouble telling the whole truth.
- I’m glad that I give you space, it must be a nice feeling, I wouldn’t know, you texted me 11 times while I was out with the guys asking if we were with girls and when we were coming home.
- Me being balanced is great for you, but when I ask you to go to walmart with me, you tell me you have to change, fix your hair and put on make up. Or when I ask you to ride the 4 wheeler with me, you cringe and ask if you have to.
- I agree, I have a great job and will always being able to provide financial flexibility for our family. You work at a tanning salon and dropped out of college half way through because it was “too stressful”.

Point is, you have to make me and my life better or why would I enter into a relationship with you? What do you offer? What can you offer me/us long term? If you don’t make me better then I might as well just be single. Right?

Reason 6: You are insecure.

“Baby, you look amazing in that dress…”
“No I don’t, you are just saying that.”

When I hear that, the first thing I think is “you know it would be nice to be with someone who believed in herself and appreciated when I compliment her instead of always questioning it.” Or I think “you know, it would be nice if the closet door burst open and 15 white wolves jumped out and ate you while you were still alive and probably still bitching about the dress.”

Not only is this annoying, its also a wonderful way to push your man right into the arms of a woman who would appreciate him complimenting her and is confident in herself. If you say things like that, be aware, your man is most likely keeping you around until something better comes along. How hard is it to take his compliment and say “Thanks babe, I love when you tell me things like that, makes me feel so pretty.” You really don’t understand how good it feels for a man to hear that.

Maybe your vocal chords are made different than ours and those words require more effort, but I doubt it.

To really discuss the topic of insecurity it would take 10 blogs, all I can say is that insecurity bleeds into all areas of your life, especially your relationships with others. Its easy to spot and very unappealing, guys also know for the most part, its not getting any better.

One more example:

Him: “I think I am going to do something with Jack tonight, you should call your girlfriends and do something with them”
Her: “I just don’t understand why you are choosing him over me, it seems like if you loved me you would want to do something with me tonight”
Him: “Seriously, I wish a train would hit you right now”

Reason 7: You are clingy.

Men need space. Give it to us and don’t bitch about it. I cant put it any more simple than that.
Sometimes we need to go sit on the mower, go to Lowes, watch TV, go fishing, sit in the recliner in peace and quiet, go drink beer with our friends where we can act like guys, go to the camp for the weekend and not call to check in.

None of those things mean we don’t love you or want to be with you, it just means we need space and time away from you.

No, you cant go to the camp with me.
No, you cant go drink beers with us even though you think are a “guys girl”.
No, I don’t want you to help me organize my tools. Actually, they are organized, I am just pretending they aren’t so I can have some time away from you.
No, you cant go ride in the golf cart with me this time and no I am not going to answer your constant texts while I am on the course.

Can we please go somewhere and you not be right underneath my feet or looking to see who I am talking to or texting every second? Go talk to your friends, make new ones, you act like if you leave my side you will explode. Be a person independent of me from time to time, please…

Reason 8: You are impossible to please.

Lets just get straight to the point, men were not built to please women. Everything we want to do naturally, typically does not please a woman without some level of thought and adjusting. Think about that for a minute.

So, when we do the adjusting and it still doesn’t please you AND you can’t clearly communicate what it is that pleases you then we immediately start scanning the room for a new girlfriend or a pistol.

The restaurant we picked wasn’t good enough.
The food we ordered was too spicy.
The hotel we stayed in was too far from our destination.
But, if I would have got the one closer then you wouldn’t have been pleased because it was too expensive.
The ice cream I picked up was the wrong brand.
I don’t give you enough affection, so I try and its too much affection.

You see the pattern? Helen Keller can even see that pattern.

Is it really that hard to be easy going? Just go with the flow, unless its something that is going to kill you, just make the best of it. If the seats I got us for the concert are next to the speakers and its too loud, well at least we are here, see the positive, not the negative.

Men try so hard to show you that we care about you and when all we get back is the feeling that it wasn’t good enough, it makes us want to never do anything for you again. There aren’t many statements out there that are more true than that one. Maybe you should read it again.

We all know girls like this and we know guys that have girlfriends like this. Something is always wrong, not done right, too loud, too quiet, too spicy, too bland, too early, too late, it doesn’t matter, its just not going to be good enough.

Well I assure you, it will be good enough for someone else and you will find that out the hard way.

Reason 9: You are nuts.

Very common reason. You are just fucking nuts, there is no other way to say it.

Its been two weeks and you ask me if I ever wonder how we were ever happy without each other.
You freak out, and cause a scene, literally, because you see me talking to another girl.
You snap because I don’t answer your call when it comes in, so you call over and over again until I answer.
You cry because you think I don’t love you, on date number 4.
You tell me to drive you by your ex’s house on our first date so you can see who’s car is there.
You look through my phone and read my text messages.
You tell me you picked me up something at the mall and its 600 dollars worth of clothes after we have dated a week.

I just think that some women didn’t get enough hugs growing up and now they are just insane, literally. Or maybe they have just put up with too much shit from too many ex’s, now their brains are fried and turned clinically crazy. Either way, I didn’t ask to deal with it so keep your crazy to yourself and your cats.

There you go, top 9 ways its her fault.

Popularity: 81% [?]

Susy. I met this girl through a girl friend of mine. The way this all goes down is Susy tells my friend that she wants to go on a date, its been a while and needs a break from studying. However, she graduates in a month and doesn’t need some clingy guy looking for a relationship, she just wants to have a good time and get away. My friend says I have the perfect guy, calls me, I ask a few questions, i like the answers so i agree.

I call her before we go to dinner and get to know her a little bit so I am not going out with a stranger. We have good conversation, she laughs, I laugh, the conversation is very engaging, it would have been easy to talk for hours. Towards the end she tells me “its rare to talk to someone who can have a conversation about topics I am interested in as well”. I should have realized at that point, things weren’t going to be casual. Towards the end of the conversation I say “So I hear you aren’t looking for anything serious and you are just using me?”, she laughs and says “Yep and I hear you aren’t looking for a long term deal right now either, so its perfect”. She must have used her magic woman mind eraser at this point and conveniently forgot about that little conversation.

Here is our conversation about the date:

Luke: I will pick up up at 6:30 and we are eating at 7.

Susy: Well, I live about 15 minutes away from you, I will just meet you there, so you don’t have to drive.

Luke: We are going on a date right? I don’t mind picking you up, I’d like to pick you up actually.

Susy: Really? I just don’t remember the last time someone picked me up for a date.

Luke: Well, maybe you are going on dates with the wrong guys.

Susy: Laughs and says she is excited.

I pick her up at 6:30, I open the truck door for her, she says “Thanks, I don’t remember the last time that’s happened to me, this is like something from the movies!”

We get to the restaurant, I have reservations, the kind where they take you to your table at 7, not give you a buzzer at 7. She says “you made reservations? Nice touch.” Wait, at what point in our society did reservations become a nice touch? Who wants to sit on a bench with a buzzer in your nice dress waiting on a booth? It’s not a nice touch, it’s a necessity to eating good food without waiting.

We eat dinner, I order us a bottle of white wine and scallops for an appetizer. She has never had them before and I explain to her what they are, where they come from and why she will like them. She asks if I like white wine better than red, I said no but it goes better with our meal since its all light seafood, she says “how do you know so much about wine and food?” Ok stop, this is getting out of hand, just because I know to drink white with light seafood doesn’t mean I know “so much” about wine, it just means I am not retarded. My 9 year old cousin knows to drink white wine with light seafood.

I pay for dinner, she asks if she needs to help with dinner, I tell her that isn’t even an option, she smiles really big and we leave.

We get back to her place, she invites me in. Realize this, I am ok with the date stopping right here, we had fun, we had good conversation, good food, I enjoyed her company, the night could stop right now and I was perfectly ok with it. However, she invites me in so I go in for a bit, we talk on the couch, she leaves to go change into pajamas, comes back in the living room with her dress half way off and asks me to help with the zipper. That’s a side zipper, and she has it half way undone, plenty to get the dress off, I realize what she is doing, but don’t act on it. This isn’t my first rodeo, I see attachment coming from the date we just had, this will only make it worse. I am a very aggressive guy, when the timing is right I act with confidence and certainty, I don’t ask if its ok, I don’t question and don’t think twice, however timing was not right on this one. I undid her zipper and made sure to hold my hand on the dress so it wouldn’t fall. Well she started kissing me, aggressively kissing me, well the timing might not have been right, but I have a dick that was saying otherwise. I showed her stars she didn’t even know existed.

Wake up the next morning I throw biscuits from her fridge in the oven and cook bacon. She wakes up and says “no one has ever cooked me breakfast before, that’s so sweet” Ok wait, I’m not cooking you breakfast, we are hungry, therefore I am making us something to eat, big difference. If I had bought omelette groceries the night before, woke up early, hand chopped the ingredients, made you an omelette with OJ and brought it to you in bed, then that would be cooking for you. I just heated some shit up for us to eat, BIG difference.

So I leave and go on my day. What’s the first thing she does? Calls her girlfriends and tells them what a great time she has, she met a great guy that is really into her, he has the qualities of someone I would want to be with and he thinks I am special! Girl, you should have saw the way he looked at me, I can tell, he gets me, we have a connection, we have something special.

YES YOU JUST ENTERED THE TWILIGHT ZONE. WHERE LOGIC IS REMOVED FROM EVERYDAY LIFE.

Wait. What did you just tell your girlfriend? We JUST had this pre date conversation about neither one of us were looking for more than just a fun casual date. You told her that I thought you were special, how are you special? We went on a date and you threw yourself on me the same night, that’s not special. That’s a Thursday. You now have a day of the week associated with your name.

So, tell me again, from the date and night we just had, why do you think you are special to me already? Remember, we have had one date.

Here is why she thinks she is special, a list she has made in her head:

~ It’s been a long time since I have had good conversation with a guy. He must really be into me since he asked me questions about me and my life instead of just talking about himself.
~ I don’t remember the last time someone picked me up for a date, he must really think the world of me to drive all the way out here to get me.
~ I don’t remember the last genuine compliment I received, when he told me I looked great in my dress I felt like a princess. I must be a princess in his eyes!!.
~ He opened the truck door for me, this for sure means that he is crazy about me.
~ He made reservations at the restaurant, he is so thoughtful.
~ He cooked for me!! That is soooo romantic! Just like The Notebook!
~ He knows so much about food and wine, I love how sophisticated he is.
~ He has a good job, I love that he is responsible and can prepare financially for our family, its going to be so awesome! Our kids are going to be so cute!
~ He didn’t wear a ballcap on our first date and didn’t talk on his phone the whole time at dinner, he’s just the kind of guy I have been wanting! We are both Taurus’s and it shows, this was fate!!
~ He didn’t watch baseball over my shoulder on the bar tv while we are talking, I love that he is so focused on making me happy!

She tells her girlfriends how she is SOOOO excited about the next time we get to out again and how she thinks this one could be different!!!

Now here is where the breakdown occurs. PAY ATTENTION.
My buddy calls me to go eat wings for lunch and he says, “by the way, how did your date go last night?”

I say, “It was pretty fun, dude, I had this redfish topped with crabmeat, best I have ever had.”

Him: “What about the girl, like her?”

Me: “Oh, she was cool, she isn’t looking anything serious, we just had fun, she had a great rack and nailed her for an hour though, order me 10 hot and 10 lemon pepper, I will meet you there in 20 minutes”.

NOW CAN YOU SEE WHERE DISASTER IS BREWING?

I don’t call her the next day because remember, we just went out because she wanted to have some casual fun. Right?

Its been two days, she calls her girlfriends, “I got played! He just told me what I wanted to hear so he could sleep with me! I thought he was different!”

So I go along with my life thinking everything is fine, she was looking for a good time, I showed her that and if either of us want to again then we will call. She doesn’t have the qualities that I am looking for in a long term relationship, so I am not going to pursue, but it doesn’t matter because she was just looking for casual, right? RIGHT?????

She goes along with her life thinking that I played her. That I just wined and dined her for sex, when in reality like I said before I didn’t care if we did that or not, I was fine just going home after our date.

She calls all her friends and says “That luke guy sure fooled me, I thought he was really into me and I was special, what a manipulator! Whatever you do, don’t date him unless you want your heart broken!”

OK BACK FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE, LOGIC IS BACK INTO PLAY.

Maybe from now on our dates should be us going to fast food for dinner, me talking about myself the entire dinner, me texting and checking my phone when it was your turn to talk, me accidentally forgetting my wallet when it was time to pay, us going back to my house and asking you to watch me play Playstation3 for 2 hours, taking you home, borrowing your bathroom for a number 2 and then not calling you again. Maybe then we won’t have to have the “Yes I like you but I don’t think we are compatible long term” conversation and you give me the deer in headlights look like I just told you that 2+2=9.

I have an idea, I will be inconsiderate and uninteresting just so you don’t get the wrong impression.
I have an idea, I will try as hard as possible to be condescending to you and show no interest whatsoever just so you don’t get wrong impression.

Just because I listen, am considerate, give attention, have intellectual/stimulating two sided conversation, have a sense of humor and show legitimate interest in you does not mean the following:

1. I want us to make a blanket for two with our names crocheted in a big read heart, alternating stitching, my hand then yours.
2. I want us to start looking at house plans for me, you, our 2.3 kids, a white picket fence and our black lab named “Roxy”.
3. I think we should buy a two seater bike with matching helmets and ride it to functions together.
4. That “destiny brought us together”.

Women, if a guy tells you he isn’t interested in something long term with you, you need to listen. I know your favorite hobby is to hear what you want to hear instead of what is actually spoken. For example:

I am not really looking for anything long term right now with you.

Translation to a woman:

I know he says he just wants casual dating, but that’s just because he hasn’t met someone like me before. He just needs me to show him what he is missing and how great we can be together. Sounds like a challenge to me!

Popularity: 40% [?]

10. PLEASE SAY THE LIQUOR FIRST (IT IS A RUM AND COKE NOT COKE AND RUM AND IT IS NOT REDBULL VODKA!!!)

9. IF YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE A SEAT AT THE BAR DO NOT ORDER FOR EVERY FUCKER BEHIND YOU

8. WHEN IT’S YOUR TURN TO ORDER PLEASE HAVE YOUR ORDER READY- NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO START LOOKING FOR YOUR BUDDY

7. ORDER ALL AT ONCE -DON’T WAIT FOR THE BARTENDER TO FINISH YOUR ORDER THEN SAY -OH YEAH ONE MORE RED SNAPPER

6. LEARN YOUR BARTENDERS NAME- MY NAME IS NOT BARKEEP-BARTENDER-COACH-BOSS-HEY-MISTRO- I WILL KILL YOU

5.DO NOT ORDER A JACK AND SPRITE AND A JACK AND SEVEN- SEVEN AND SPRITE ARE THE SAME SHIT -WE DO NOT HAVE BOTH

4.IF YOUR CARD DECLINES DO NOT MAKE ME RUN IT THREE TIMES- YOU BROKE ASS- I KNOW YOU JUST PUT A THOUSAND IN THE BANK TODAY- I’M NOT YOUR BANK- PAY ME!

3.DRINK NOT STRONG ENOUGH? WANT ME TO MAKE IT STRONGER? IT’S CALLED A DOUBLE – ORDER IT THAT WAY

2.LONG ISLAND ICE TEA-UMM…  KAMIKAZE- MMMMM YUMMY…. IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME IN A BAR JACKASS -THIS IS A SURE WAY TO GET YOUR ASS CARDED OR YOUR MAN CARD TAKEN AWAY

1. TIP– 20 PERCENT STANDARD -MORE ON DRINK SPECIAL NIGHTS OR IF YOU GET A HOOKUP -THANK YOU DOES NOT PAY MY LIGHT BILL -NEITHER DOES 2.13 AN HOUR THAT IS WHAT MOST BARTENDERS AND COCKTAILS MAKE…

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