1.Remember, from the time you start talking, I only have about two minutes remaining to locate another song, load it, sync it, and play it before the song currently playing comes to an end. In other words, make it quick, or the music will stop.

2.Have a request already in mind. Please refrain from saying any of the following:
a. What songs do you have?

I have 7500. Would you like me to start alphabetically?

b. Can you play something I can dance to?

I have no idea what you can or can’t dance to. Every song I play is a dance song to someone. If it’s not for you, then request a specific song, not just an idea.

c. Do you have that one song by that one guy?

Does this even need to be addressed? The answer will always be yes. Please be specific.
3.  If you request a song, and I inform you that I don’t have it, asking me again won’t all of the sudden make it appear in my library. For instance: “Do you have that new 50 Cent?” “No” “You don’t have any 50 Cent?” “Yes, wow, 50 Cent magically appeared! Thank you! I’ll play it next!” If I tell you I don’t have a song, I pinky swear that I don’t have it. Please move on, as we are now wasting time.  See rule 1.

4. If you request a song that I have, be patient. There is a good chance that you are about the 20^th request that I have already received.  Furthermore, don’t inform me that I need to play a song next because you and your friends are about to leave.  This will not take precedence in my importance. Besides, why would I want to accommodate someone who is about to leave the party? Doesn’t make sense.

5. I will only play each song once per night. I quit listening to the same song over and over in 3^rd grade. You should too.  If you request a song that I have already played, I won’t play it again just because you got here late, your girl wants to hear it, or you think it will ‘get the party hoppin’.

6. Don’t complain about a song I am playing. Telling me that ‘this song sucks’ has no emotional bearing on me whatsoever. There is a huge chance that I did not write nor produce the song, so your criticism will be ineffective.  If you are unhappy with a song that is playing, suggest a new song. Bring an idea or request along with your complaint. Otherwise, you are nothing more than a complainer, and will be ignored as such. When bringing a new request, refrain from saying, ‘anything but this.’  Again, this term is very loose, and could be interpreted as many things. First and foremost…..you’re an idiot!

7. Do not take it personal if I do not play your request. It is not as if I raped your grandmother. You are at a bar. Just enjoy the fact that you are out, drinking, dancing, and hearing music. If you left your house tonight knowing that you wouldn’t have fun all evening long unless you heard one specific song, then you are a very sad person.

8. Remember, I am currently at work.  This is my office.  You don’t like it when people come to your work and complain that their happy meal wasn’t cooked properly, do you?  Please don’t complain at me either. It just encourages me to pic up the microphone and humiliate you in front of 200 people.

9. When I say it’s the last song of the evening. This translates in English as ‘this is the last song of the evening.” It doesn’t mean I will play one more because ‘we are dawgs’!  It means management doesn’t want anymore songs to be played. They are the ones who write my check. Not you. I cannot come to your job and demand that you do things against your manager’s wishes. If you work at the Gap, and I say “Hey, dawg, gimme this shirt for free.” “I can’t, my manager is right over there!” “Man, you can give me one shirt. It’s just one shirt!” Does that make sense? No.  If you can’t grasp this concept, I suggest you listen to the song called, ‘quit being a little bitch just because I didn’t play one last song at the end of the fucking night and grow up, you fucking sissy.’ It’s a new song by Barry Manilow, I think.  Enjoy.

10. Tips speak louder than words…

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